


Set Me Free

by ToKillA_Stormer1500



Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks, Road Trips, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18861934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToKillA_Stormer1500/pseuds/ToKillA_Stormer1500
Summary: At the age of 16, Dan knows his life is falling apart. He attempts suicide, but he's stopped by his best friend Kyle. Dan soon has to face the fact that he's falling in love with Kyle.Kyle can see that Dan is struggling, but he isn't sure what to do. Having to deal with the death of his dad and the abuse form his mum's new boyfriend, Harry, Dan doesn't see an end.-----------------------Triggering warnings: Self Harm, Attempted Suicide, Abuse, Homophobia towards main characters and mentions of death.-----------------------Triggers for each chapter will be in the notes





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my fist complete Dyle book, so please feel free to give me advice on how to improve it. Also TRIGGER WARNING! there is abuse, self harm, panic attacks, verbal homophobia and may more. Please be careful when you read this, thank you :)
> 
> This chapter's trigger is: Attempted Suicide

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
Darkness.

    All I see is darkness when I open my eyes and then close them again. I cough and cough and cough again, feeling the salty water spill out of my lungs and mouth

Cold.

    I feel cold hands press up against my face and chest. I open my eyes once more and see him. The boy I love, tears streaming down his face as he holds me close to him. My clothes are wet and my hair is laying in a tangled mess atop my head, but I don't care because I'm in his arms. My best friend. He has no clue I love him unless he read it. The note.

    "Kyle?" I say, my voice almost nothing, the taste of salt spilling into me.

    "Dan!" He says as he pulls me closer into a cold, wet hug. I relax in his arms, my heartbeat pounding against my head. 

    "Ky, you're all wet." I say with a concerned look. I didn't think he'd jump in to get me, but apparently he did.

    "You are too." He says with a grin, his eyes red as he breathes heavily . I try to sit up but my body won't let me.

    I breathe in and out, ignoring the burning pain of my raw lungs. Kyle helps me sit up then stand and walk back to my parent's house. He helps me out of my wet clothes because it's not like we haven't seen each other shirtless before. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower, peeling off the remainder my soaked clothes and stepping in. I hear a soft knock at the door.

"Come in," I shout over the shower before hearing the door open, then close again. 

    "Dan what was that? I was so scared I lost my best friend tonight! You were dead for almost 10 minutes! 10 MINUTES!" Kyle yells, tears running down his hollow cheeks. He places his face in his hands and quietly sobs. I feel a tear run down my cheek and begin to feel the guilt rising up inside me. He has put on one of my t-shirts and a pair of shorts I never wear anymore. I turn off the shower, wrap a towel around my waist and pull him into a hug. I wrap my arms around him and place my head on his shoulder. I know these are only hugs of friendship, but deep down, I wish they were more. 

    "I'm so sorry Kyle." I whisper, assuming he hadn't read the note and I'm ok with it. I pull on a dry shirt and some pajama bottoms then, we lay down on my small bed and cover ourselves in the blanket. He places his arm around me as usual, we no longer question the simple actions like this, and lay there for what seems like eternity, simply laying there in each others arms. I place my head on the pillow and shut my eyes. I feel his warmth shift and wrap around me and I wish I could have him forever and ever, but I know he's not even gay. 

    'What am I thinking? He'll never like me like I do him.' Oh well, I can still dream. I say to myself as I shut my eyes, letting sleep consume me, but before I fall deep away, I focus on the feeling of his warm breath on my neck. I tense up then, melt back into his grip. I close my eyes and pull the blankets further up over my head, allowing my pain to consume me, pulling me into a dark, restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter :) 
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter: mentions of attempted suicide from previous chapter, slight reference to abuse.

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
I open my eyes and feel the warmth of Kyle pressed up against me. I feel my heartbeat begin to quicken as I fully become aware of Kyle, his arms wrapped around me and all. I shift slightly, feeling guilt course through me as last night comes back to me. 

"Danny, are you awake?" Kyle asks from beside me. He takes his arms away and I begin to feel empty and cold from the loss of contact.

"Yea, I'm up Ky." I say, all while attempting to shove my feelings into a deep pit in my stomach. I can't feel this, it's wrong. He's my best friend. It's so wrong. 

"How are you?" He asks as he sits up in the bed, deepening the cold feeling I have building inside me. I shift to face him before giving him a false smile.

"I'm fine Ky," I say, not knowing how to honestly answer the question. Tell him that I love him? Tell him that my whole world is being ripped out from under me? Tell him that I've been keeping huge secrets about myself from him? I can't, not yet. I can't let the truth spill out of my pathetic mouth for everyone I know to hear.

"Well, seen as you almost died yesterday, I'm just wondering," he says, "Good morning by the way." I nod to him. 

"Morning." I reply, my heartbeat pounding in my ears. "We'd better get dressed before my mum comes up here and sees us, you know what she'll say." I sigh with a pathetic laugh. I crawl out of the bed and pull on a clean pair of black jeans and a new t-shirt. 'This is going to be the longest summer yet.'

"Yea, can I borrow some clothes? I don't want to go home." Kyle asks as I poke my head through the neck of the shirt

"Sure, I don't mind." I respond with an awkward grin. I walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs to see my mum waiting at the kitchen table.

"Daniel!" She says as she runs over and pulls me into a tight hug. Her hands are cold, but I don't care. "I'm so glad you're ok."

"Yea mum, I'm quite alright, I promise." I say, a smile tugging at my lips. She pushes me back and kisses my cheeks multiple times before letting me go hesitantly.

"Where's Harry?" I ask with a small furrow of my brows at the mention his name. A tremor of disgust passes through me as his name falls from my mouth.

"Your father?"

"He's not my father and he never will be." I spit stubbornly. I hate his guts and he hates me back. We constantly argue, but I can't do anything about it. He hits me, sends me to my room as if I'm six, but I never object because I don't want to make it worse. I go up and write songs. He broke my keyboard last month and I still haven't looked him in the eyes. I don't plan to either.

"He's at work." She says with a bitter smile. I roll my eyes and she gives me a menacing glare before sitting back down at the table behind her laptop. 

"Alright, I'm going back up to talk to Kyle for a bit." I remark before I tread back up the stairs. I open my bedroom door to see that he is still sitting on the bed.

"Good morning again." Kyle says to me with a smile as I walk over and sit down next to him on the bed.

"Morning. Again." I reply with a slight grin tugging my at my lips as I sit down on the bed beside him. 

"Hey Dan, can we go out today? I mean, if you're up to it, we can go to the music store and get parts to repair your keyboard and new vinyls." Kyle says with a longing look in his eyes, making me unable to turn him down. I look deeper into his eyes, his soft, amazing, bright brown eyes that light up when I respond with a simple, "Alright you dork."

"First I have to get changed." He says with a laugh as he pulls a clean pair of jeans and my Eraserhead T-shirt out of my wardrobe and walks into the bathroom. He quickly changes as I walk over to my drawer, grab a pair of socks then, pull on my filthy white converse that are still mildly soggy from the night before.

"Let's go Dan, hurry!" Kyle says as he dashes down the stairs and to the door. I walk down and over to the kitchen where my mum still sits with her laptop, continuing her work for the day, her only day off being Sunday.

"Hey mum, Kyle and I are heading out. We should be home before dark, see you soon." I say as she hugs me and sends me off. I walk back over to Kyle but, not before I can snatch Harry's card and shoving it into my pocket.

"Alright Kyle, let's go." I joyfully say as we walk down the street to town, smiling like fools as we go.

'Maybe the summer won't be too terrible.' I think as I look over to him, feeling my heart flutter slightly.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: abuse.

Dan's POV)  
\----  
As we walk along the streets, nearing the music shop, the sky opens and rain begins to pour down, soaking Kyle and I instantly.

"Damn!" Kyle exclaims with a laugh as we begin to run along the soaked streets, hoping to get to the store before we become too wet. I look over to Kyle as we run and see his soaked hair sticking to his forehead as the rain beat down his face and continues to drench us. I'm so distracted by looking at him that I don't see the block of cement that doesn't lay level with the rest and I trip over it, falling flat onto my face.

"Fuck." I mutter as I stand back up and brush off my elbows and knees with my hands.

"Are you ok?" He asks with a small chuckle.

"Yea, I'm alright." I reply with a laugh. We continue walking and when we finally arrive, the rain has slowed to a soft murmur. We enter the relatively small shop and walk around, looking through the record bins.

"So, how did your keyboard break?" Kyle asks, walking closer to the instrument section in the back.

"Funny story actually, I dropped it down the stairs while I was trying to move it," I lie, not wanting Kyle to know the truth about Harry, but the truth is, he's part of the reason I jumped off the dock.

"Ok, just get a new one and I'll help you put it together." Kyle says with a smile as I nod my head.

"Alright, sure. Sounds fun." I respond before going up to the counter and paying for it using the money I stole from Harry.

\----  
When we get back to my house and begin unboxing the keyboard, I hear Harry's car pull into the driveway. I jump up off the floor and close the window we came in through before he can see us. Kyle looks over to me, giving me a look of acknowledgement as I hurry to put everything in order before he can walk in the door. As soon as I finish, I walk back over to where I was seated and begin to open the box.

"Kyle, you should go," I say softly, flinching when I hear the door below us slam. Harry hates Kyle. I'm pretty sure the only reason he does is because I can escape him when I go to Kyle's house, but he hates him.

"Dan, we can go to my house, I'm pretty sure my mum wouldn't mind." Kyle says with a worried look. I see a brief flicker of terror as Harry begins to shout at me from down below.

"Ok, I'll be right back, but if I'm not back in 5 minutes, climb out the window and I will be at your house shortly." Kyle nods his head in agreement, staying silent as we hear Harry call out from down below again. I slowly walk out of the bedroom and down the stairs to see Harry waiting for me on the first floor. He shoots me an angry glare as I step down in front of him.

"Where did you put my keys you little brat?" He shouts as he looks dead into my eyes with almost a flame in his.

"I don't have your keys, you do. How else did you drive and get in here?" I ask with a smirk , his face only growing angrier from my snarky remark.

"I used your mother's set of keys to drive and the spare key to unlock the door." He shouts back, his face heating up with rage as I look back to him. I turn and begin walking up the stairs when I feel him grab my shirt collar, puling me back down the stairs. "You didn't answer my question!" he shouts at me then, slaps my face with his cold, bare hands, hard enough to break a small portion of skin of the skin on my cheek.

"Fuck you." I say before running up the stairs, locking my door, then climbing out the window. Just as I get my foot out, there is a loud bang on the door.

"Open the god damn door!" He shouts as he pounds on the door, but I'm quick to slip out my window. I run down the sidewalk, tracing the quickest path to Kyle's house through the darkness of the sky.

I knock on the door to his house, patiently waiting for his mum to open it and sure enough, just as I begin to think about it, she greets me with a smile.

"Hi Dan, are you here to see Kyle?" She asks, her voice friendly and open as opposed to Harry or my mum.

"I am, Mrs. Simmons. Is he here?" I ask, knowing the answer to that question as soon as I hear the sound of his CD player starting one of the tracks we bought the other week. She nods and allows me to come in. I can tell she sees the bruises and blood on my face but, she doesn't ask and I'm ok with that. I thank her then, walk up the stairs to his bedroom door. I knock on that to let him know I'm there and wait for him to grant me access.

"It's open Danny." Kyle calls and I slowly open the door, timidly stepping in and closing the door again.

"Hey."

"Danny, what happened?" He asks as he stands up, walking to me and beckoning me to sit by him on his bed. I reluctantly agree and sit next to him. Without a second thought, he places his hand on my shoulder and gently pulls me into a hug. I grimace, the bruises on my arms pressing slightly too hard against him."Dan, what happened when I left?"

"It's nothing Kyle, just leave it alone ok?" I snap before trying to escape his grip, but not having enough strength to break away from him. I almost stand up before deciding against it as he grabs my hand. I turn to face him, biting my lips to hold back my pathetic whimpers of pain. He sees this and loosens his grip on my arm.

"Dan, please don't do this again. I need to know what's going on because I'm worried about you. Danny, I don't know what I'd do if you kill yourself, for Christ's sake, I was scared to death when they said that you were too far out from the doc to pull you back in!" Kyle practically shouts, causing me to cower back from instinct. "Dan, please talk to me."

I sink into him, wrapping my arms around him and placing my head on his shoulder, "Kyle, I just, please leave it alone."

"No Dan, there is obviously something wrong. I've known you forever and you're acting so different. Your cheek is bleeding and starting to bruise, you flench whenever I begin to shout or raise my hands and you're only growing more and more distant." He moves away from me and touches my face, right where the blood had blossomed from and I wince and pull away from him in response. "Daniel, you're face is bleeding."

"Please Kyle, just leave it. That's all I ask for," I say quietly, scooting away from him on the bed. 

"Dan, you need to tell me what's going on. I'm here for you and I want to help, but I can't if you don't tell me how to. I have a terrible feeling about this and I need to know that you're alright, so I can't let it go. I need to know who did this to you." He moves to me again, his voice clam, but stern as he looks to me 

I look down to the floor before I begin to speak, "Harry hits me. It started almost a month back. At first it wasn't that bad, but it's getting worse. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, that's why I'm telling you and not my mum. She doesn't listen to me but I know you do. Kyle, I trust you more than anyone else in the world."

I look up, his eyes showing pure shock while his lips part to speak but then close again. I look to him with more worry in my eyes, needing to know what he wants to say and hoping it's not what I think it is.

"Dan, I don't know what to say. Do you want to stay here for a while? I can tell my mum that your mum will be out of town for work and Harry is off to see his parents for a bit." Kyle says and all I can do is nod, not trusting my voice in fear that I'll begin sobbing. Kyle sees this and wraps his arms around me again, holding me close to him and I know that I can't contain the blush that's spreading over my face. "I'll tell her tomorrow, stay here for tonight. We'll get this all worked out."

"Thank you Kyle." I say to him, smiling slightly.

"There's the happy Danny I know, welcome back." He smiles to me. Sometimes I can't help but laugh at how much like my father he sounds. My real father, not that bastard Harry. "You're welcome Dan. You can stay however long you need to. Now that school's out, my mum won't care."

"You're the best Kyle, what would I do without you?"

"Probably not exist. Face it, I'm the best person ever." He says, the sarcasm in his voice making me laugh real, genuine laughs of happiness, TRUE happiness. Nothing I've felt since the funeral nine months back. "Do you want some shorts?" He asks as he stands up and walks to his closet, tossing me one of the shirts he stole from me.

"No thanks, I'll sleep in my jeans." I say, not wanting him to see the scars yet. Sure they're old and faded but, I can't bear to tell him yet. Sure, he knows that I've been depressed, but he only knows part of it, the part that I chose to tell him. I sigh, hoping that one day I'll be able to stop lying to him about my feelings and thoughts and basically everything that is hidden inside me, but today isn't that day. He brings out an extra pillow and blanket and sets them on the bed. He steps out of the room to change before coming back in and laying down. I lay down beside him and we both look up at the ceiling, staring at nothing in particular.

"So, do you want to go out tomorrow?" He asks me in a low voice. I look over to the clock and see the time has just reached 3:30.

"Sure, we could walk into town and go around to the shops again? Maybe grab lunch at that new place on the corner?" I start, throwing random suggestions into the air to mask the silence of the dark room.

"That sounds awesome. I think it's time we get to sleep though, we have a long day planned tomorrow." He says with a laugh. I laugh my response as his arms slowly find me. 

Kyle's always been a very 'clingy' person and odd when it came to personal space. If he doesn't know you, don't expect him to lay a single finger on you, but if you were close like him and I, he'll always hug you or hang onto you. That's one of his corks that tend to be my favourite. He begins to fall asleep beside me and before I know it, I am too.

I'll tell him one day.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter: None :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

(Kyle's POV)  
\----  
Dan's arms are wrapped my torso as he sleeps. His head rests on my shoulder and his breaths come in steady, shallow bursts. I lay awake, my arm around his shoulder as I stare up at the ceiling. After a while, my gaze slowly drifts to his sleeping features that are drowning in the bruises, scratches and scars that litter his pale and fragile skin, yet he's still here. He looks younger when he's asleep and I suppose everyone does because they're not worrying about any of the stress they're under because they're so far away, yet still beside you. 

He shifts, removing his head from my shoulder and arms from my torso to where he now has his legs tangled together with mine. He's always done this in his sleep, when he is deep in oblivion, but before he wakes up, he untangles himself from me and moves to the edge of the bed. I know this because most nights when he lays with me, I don't sleep. Mostly because I can't bring myself to stop worrying about him, if he wakes up in fear I have to be there. I know that it's stupid, but I feel something more for him just, I can't come to my senses to tell him.

I gently stroke his back and hair as he slightly trembles against me. I pull the blanket back over his body to warm him up and smile to myself when he lets out a small sigh of contentment in his sleep. I close my eyes, but don't fall asleep, only think. I think about who I am, who I want to be and who I'm becoming. Do I like what I'm turning into? Can I recognize this person? I also bring myself to wonder, will I know Dan forever? I feel like he's slowly drifting away from me, like he's shutting himself away from me. Does he not like who I'm becoming? Does he feel like he'll hurt me by telling me? I want to know what's going on in his head, but I won't unless he tells me. And I just have to live with it, no matter how much I hate it. I think about how many nights I've stayed up late thinking about these things and how many nights I've held him in my arms after he came to me one night hurting. I'm grateful for him, even though he may be broken and scared, he's still Dan. My Dan. Sure, he's not the Dan I've known since preschool, but that's ok. People change.

Out of a moment of pure instinct, I lean into him and gently press a small kiss to his forehead before laying back down, a furious blush painting my cheeks as I lay there in the silence. The only noise in the room is his breathing, which now comes in an uneven rhythm, telling me that he is partially awake. He presses tighter against me and softly groans then moves his arms back around me. A small laugh slips from my lips as he buries his head in my side and begins to slip deeper again.

"I'm sorry all of this has happened to you Danny," I whisper into the air, "If I could take all of your problems away and make them mine, I would."  
\----  
(Dan's POV)  
\----  
Kyle's arms hold onto me and I come to realize that my arms are around him as well. He gently stokes my back as his chin rests on my head. He mutters words of compassion and empathy into the silence of the room. I know he's not asleep, he's told me he doesn't sleep much. I hug him, a bit tighter than I mean to, yet he responds. He tightens his grip on me and I softly smile, blushing immensely as I try to contain my excitement and keep quiet.

He timidly laughs, his voice carrying a tone of sadness. I begin to feel guilty, is he carrying an entire load of shit that I don't know about because I only talk about myself? Does he need my help? 

'I'll ask him in the morning.' I silently agree with myself. I let his warmth consume me before closing my eyes and fading away again.  
\----  
When my eyes open again, the bright morning sunlight is spilling into the window and drowning the outline of Kyle's body. My arms are tangled around him and my head rests on his chest as I listen to his steady heartbeat and deep breathing as he sleeps. Our legs are tangled together and a vicious blush pours over my face.

"Morning Dan." He whispers to me. My head snaps to look up at him and I'm quick to untangle my limbs from him. 

"Morning Kyle." I manage out as my face grows warmer. I see, or rather, think I see a soft pink colour flood his face as I scramble to figure out which leg is mine. I end up falling onto the floor, hitting my back on the hardwood flooring of his room, surly sending a noise to the room below. Kyle lets a small laugh slip from his lip as I sit up in the floor and push myself to stand. My heart pounds as he smiles at me.

"How do you feel? Is it too early to tell?" He asks gently as he stands up from the bed.

"I feel fine." I reply as I look down to the ground, my cheeks burning a furious pink.

"So, what should we do today? Go into town, walk around for a bit?" He lists things that sound fun, yet only one of them appeals to me.

"Could we stay in and do something? I mean, if it's ok with you because we could go out and find something, but I like it here." I ramble on, waiting for him to cut in.

"Yea, we could stay in and watch a film or something, it sounds cool." He smiles to me and claps my shoulder before he heads over to the door. "Hey, I'm gonna get us some tea. You can use the shower if you want to and grab a change of clothes from the closet. I'll be right back." 

He heads down the stairs, closing the door on his way out, leaving me alone in his bedroom. I make my way over to the bathroom door after grabbing a t-shirt and some sweatpants from his closet. I let the water heat up and quickly shower. Just as I turn off the water, I hear Kyle walk back into the bedroom. He lightly taps on the door and mumbles something into it. I pull on the clean clothes and open the door to see him looking slightly anxious.

"What's wrong?" I ask, hoping for him to give me an answer, but he just shrugs and repeats what sounds like what he mumbled moments before.

"My mum isn't home right now, so do you want to go downstairs and use the TV for a film?" He asks as he hands me a mug full of hot tea.

"Ok." I smile to him before we're heading down the stairs, pushing each other aside like children. As we chase one another, we forget about all of our pain and worries. Kyle ends up tripping on the last step, causing him to fall and land flat on his face.

"Woah, Kyle, are you alright?" I ask with a laugh as I run down to help him up. He laughs and nods before rubbing his elbow that he fell on, continuing to laugh.

"Just a slight tumble, no worries." We continue on through his house before sitting down on the couch in the living room. He grabs the remote off of the coffee table in front of us and turns on the TV before switching it over to his DVD player.

"Ok, so we have Terminator, Psycho, The Exorcist and some other cheesey movies." He says with a laugh. "What will it be?" 

"How about The Exorcist. We haven't watched that one in a while." I laugh as he gets up to place the disk into the player. The movie begins playing just as he sits back down on the couch beside me. Just as the movie is picking up,we hear a phone ring somewhere upstairs. Kyle pauses it and I follow him up the stairs to check it out. 

"Dan, it's yours. Oh shit, it's your mum." He says as he hands me the phone. I reluctantly answer it and timidly begin to speak.

"Hey mum, what's up?" 

"Daniel, where the hell are you!? Where did you run to last night, you scared me and Harry to death! Come home right now!" She shouts to me, sounding genuinely concerned for the first time in a long time. Kyle looks to me with concern as I slowly answer her.

"Don't worry mum, I'll be home in a bit." My voice shakes as I speak quietly. I hear her sigh into the phone before she hangs up.

"Dan, are you going to tell her?" He asks as I slip my phone into my pocket.

"I'm not sure. She won't believe me if I tell the truth, she sees him as a saint that saved her from hell." I tell him with a sigh, looking to the ground as I scuff my feet along the ground.

"Do you want me to walk you home? I'll wait outside for you to come back out." He tries, giving me an awkward smile.

"No, it's ok, thanks though. Thanks for everything, Kyle. You're the best." I say before pulling him into a hug. I leave his bedroom with him following me as I open the front door to leave and when I step out into the cool, morning summer air, I begin to wonder what it would be like to be far away from this small neighborhood and have the only familiar person with me be Kyle. I wonder what it would be like to run far away.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter: mentions of abuse and scars
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
As soon as I walk in the door, my mum is pulling me into the kitchen and having me sit down on the chair.

"Daniel where the hell did you go? You scared Harry to death when you locked your door on him! You were gone all night, Dan. All night!" She scolds me, bringing up different topics about what I did wrong and she tells me not to do it again and all the other things she tells me on a regular basis by now. Sure, I don't make it a goal of mine to break the rules, but sometimes, I just have to get away.

"I went to Kyle's house and I spent the night," I say. 

"Why in the bloody hell would you just leave like that?" She shouts

left because Harry was hitting me." I try to explain to her in a calm, collected manor, but that proves to be rather difficult seen as she begins to deny even the idea of her knite in shining armor hurting me or doing anything bad for that matter.

"Dan, don't be ridiculous, he would never hurt you! Where did you pull that excuse from?" She asks, foreign angry at my apparent lies. 

"Mum, if you'd just listen to me and to everything that I have told you over the past month, you'd know that this wasn't the first time. Also, if you'd listen to me, you'd know that I'm not ok and that I can't stand to see his face in this house as he tears apart what we had." I tell her, but she just sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Dan, stop being so over dramatic about this. I know you don't like him and I know you don't want to feel like he's taking Dad's place, but face it, we can't bring him back Dan. I'm sure that if he made you feel threatened, he had his reasons." She tells me with a sigh. I see a look of sadness cross her face before she looks up to the ceiling fan, her face instantly returning to stone before looking back to me. Then her words strike me and my thoughts repeat them, 'maybe I do deserve this.'

"See, I knew you'd take his side and blame my behavior on dad's death. I know he's gone mum, I understand that we can't bring him back, but you have to listen to me about Harry. Look at the cut he gave me on my cheek! Look at the bruise on my arm from where he hit me a few days ago, I bet you didn't even notice because you're always too busy drowning yourself in work while I'm over here, barricading myself in my room, hoping he doesn't come and knock my door down trying to hurt me!" I pull my sleeve up a bit the where it rests over my shoulder, exposing a large bruise deep purple and blue in its colour and mildly healed scars.

She shakes her head and laughs, looking to the ceiling again as she rolls her eyes, "Daniel, don't be obserd! He would never hurt anyone, especially not you! Give me one reason why I should believe you." 

"Mum-," I begin to spout a reason, then it hits me, why bother if she's only gonna deny it. "No, you shouldn't need a reason to believe me, mum! I'm telling the truth and if you can't believe that, I'm leaving." I stand up and run out the door before she can catch me.

"Daniel Campbell Smith, get your bloody arse back here right this second!" She yells to me from the door, but she's making no effort to come after me.

I make my way back to Kyle's house, walking slow as my thoughts begin wondering in hundreds of different places at the same time, most of them taking the form of demons that begin to eat me alive. I release a shaking breath that I had no clue I was holding onto as I near the start of Kyle's driveway, where I see him sitting on the porch. He stands up and walks to me, leading me back into his house with a gentle hand on my back, following me through the door.

"I take it that it didn't go well?" He asks with a grimace as he turns to face me. I look into his eyes as I begin to speak, taking note of the small hint of green among the light brown colour of his caring eyes.

"Nope, she didn't even listen to what I had to say, she immediately took his side before I could get a whole thought out." I rant to him about all of the things that I wished I could've told her and all the things that I needed to hear from her and before I knew it, I have spilled almost all of the thoughts that filled my head out of my mouth, and he listened to every one of them, nodding along and even agreeing to a few of them and when I finally finish, he pulls me into a hug.

"Kyle, thank you for listening to my stupid rant, you're the best." I mutter against him as a soft blush plagues my cheeks once more.

"That's what I'm here for Danny, anytime." He replies as he lets me go, a smile spreading across his face as his face begins to glow a soft pink colour as well, or so I think. "Now, back to the movie?" He asks as he lead me over to the couch.

"Of course." I say as a smile crosses my face as well. We sit down and he resumes it, seeming rather excited to watch the gory scene unfold. I feel a small tug at my heart, telling me to tell him, but it's soon plagued with doubts and worries that swallow the small bit of confidence that had started to burn a hole in me.

'I'm such a freak! I should't feel this way!'

He rests his head on my shoulder and I tense up underneath him. I know he doesn't feel the same way I do, but a small part of me hopes I'm wrong. 

"You alright?" He asks gently, his head not moving.

"I'm fine," I swallow dryly and take a breath to hopefully even out the shakiness of my voice,"Just fine.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to put this up, I hope you like it :)


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter: none :)

(Kyle's POV)  
\----  
    I walk back in from the kitchen and see him, laying on the couch, spread out and asleep. His face looks calm and careless as he breathes in steady bursts. I smile, loving that he isn't worried about anything.

    I walk closer to the sofa and gently lift up his head, replacing the pillow he was resting on with my legs as I sit down and grab the remote. As I flip through the channels, I settle on watching some stupid comedy show. After a while, his breaths become less even and he begins moving, turning onto his side as he sighs. He sits up with a jolt, his eyes darting to the coffee table in front of us as he lets out a shaken breath.

    "Dan, calm down, it's ok. What happened?" He looks to me with fear, but it soon fades away as he shifts on the couch.

    "It's nothing, don't worry. What time is it?" His voice sounds a bit confused, but he's quick to hide it.

    "It's 4:30. Are you hungry? You've been out for a while," I reply as I look over to our tea mugs, knowing that they're all sticky on the bottom.

    "I'm not, thanks though." He looks distant, as though his brain is too far away, but his body is stuck here.

    "Dan, you need to eat something, you haven't eaten all day. Did you eat yesterday, because I don't think you did." I try to put up a fight, wanting him to care more than he seems to. He just continues to blankly stare at the wall in front of us.

    "Are you alright Danny?" I speak softly, seeing a look of doubt cross his eyes before he nods, shaking away the look and forcing it deep down inside of him.

    "Yea, I'm fine" He replies.

    "Do you want to go back upstairs?" He nods and stands up, following me slowly. I close the door behind him and watch as he sits on the bed. I sit down at my desk across from the bed, watching as he takes his phone out of his pocket and begins scrolling slowly. He freezes when we hear the front door open and then close again, footsteps following the noise.

    "Kyle, are you home?"

    "Yea mum, I'm here," I reply as I walk out from my bedroom door.

    "Ok, good. I need to head to the store, then when I get back, I'll have to finish up some laundry, then make dinner. Please don't leave, and tell Dan that he has to head home for a bit." She's speaking fast, but I understand her. I'm used to her being in a rush when she comes home from work because it's usually late in the afternoon, so she doesn't have time to do everything she needs to.

    "Alright mum, I'll walk him home, then I'll come right back." She nods and walks off as I turn around and walk back into my room. Dan is sitting on the bed, his phone still in his hands.

    "Sorry Dan, my mum said you have to go home. I'll walk you there, but I can't stay. I'll come by after dinner and we can come back over here, so maybe by 8:30," I sigh as his prefect light blue eyes meet mine.

    "Ok, but can we walk slowly? I don't want to get home too quickly," He replies, his face twisting into a look of worry, almost fear.

    "Well, yeah. I'm not just going to walk you there and leave you, I'm not crazy!" The last part coming out in a joking time as I see some of the tension leave his shoulders. I smile to him, then continue speaking, "Besides, she said that I didn't have to be back until she got home from the store."

    He smiles up to me, seeing as I'm a whole 3 inches taller than him, as he slips his phone back into his pocket. We begin walking slowly out of my house as he shrugs his jacket back over his long sleeved shirt. We head down the street to his house, walking slowly as we talk about utter nonsense.  
\----  
(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    He has his arm around my shoulder as he tells me about the 'dreams' he had last night, but I know he didn't sleep much, because neither did I.

    We grow closer and closer to my house, and out footsteps become slower up until the point where we finally stop in the middle of the sidewalk. Kyle turns to me and I know he can see the look of doubt that I feel deep in the pit of my stomach.

    "Dan, don't worry. It'll only be for a little bit. When I finish dinner, I'll swing by and get you, then, we can take my car and go see a late night film or something if my mum will let us, which I'm sure she will, ok?" He smiles to me wearily, but I feel a small sense of comfort poke through my doubt. I nod in agreement, know that I can trust him to come and get me. "Good, I'll see you in a bit."

    He turns around and begins to walk back home as I slowly tread along the path up my driveway. I climb into my window before laying down on my bed after shrugging off my jacket and tossing it across my bedroom, the small space consumed in a dim light that has a slightly yellow tint. I sigh, immediately feeling numb again, but having it magnified as I hear my mum and rustling around downstairs, singing along to music on the radio.

    'she  hasno clue, but she'll never listen. She'll never figure out how bad he really treats you, but it's not like she would care anyway. Nobody actually does, and it's all your fault.' My thought begin flooding in, drowning out one another as they grow louder. Tonight, I can tell, is going to be bad, and after a while, I just stop fighting the need to break as I head into my bathroom and shut the door. I set my phone on the bathroom sink and wonder if I'll ever be able to escape this. I won't. The pain, the numbness, the guilt, any of it. I feel numb, but guilty about how selfish this is, how this is a release for me and me alone. The fact that I'd do anything to feel normal again makes me sick, but I know it's true, so I take another look at my pathetic figure before opening the cabinet below my sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR trigger warning for the next chapter because it has self harm. The part is short, but it's there.


	7. *Chapter 6*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING// SELF HARM!!*  
> -  
> -  
> PLEASE DO NO NOT READ if self harm being described in any way triggers you.   
> -  
> -  
> (The [*] around the chapter titles mean major trigger warning)

(Kyle's POV)  
\----  
    As soon as I'm done pushing my dinner around on my plate, I head up to my room and pull out my phone.

    "Hey Dan, I'll be over in a bit, ok?" I ask, pressing send on the text and almost immediately getting a reply.

    "Sure, just give me 10 minutes." I smile, tonight is the night, the night I tell him that I love him. I wait, getting too anxious after 3 minutes, so I being walking over to his house. Sure, it only takes about 5 minutes but I figure if I walk slow enough to, time will pass slower, but I can't help the fast pace my legs are carrying me at.

    As soon as I reach his driveway, I'm beginning to climb into his window with an enormous smile.

    "Dan, where are you?" I call out into the dark room, seeing the small flicker of light spilling in from under the bathroom door. I nod before sitting down on his bed to wait for him. The light is only a stripe on the floor, but I hear the sounds of him moving around inside of the room, then come the whimpers. They only last a few seconds at most, but they sound pained and afterwards, there's a sigh, like a weighted breath being carried away.

    "Dan, are you alright?" I stand up and walk closer to the door, pressing my ear against it, trying to hear better. I hear another soft noise, but this time, the sigh that follows is more of a strangled cry. "Danny, I'm coming in."

    After a minute, I don't hear an answer, telling me to go ahead or to stay out, so I begin slowly turning the door knob, checking to see it it's locked. It's not. I then slowly push the door open, only to see him standing, his back turned towards the door with his left arm extended as his right hand holds something to it. I cautiously step forward and gasp as I finally see what he's doing, he's holding a broken razor.

    "Dan," I whisper as soon as he turns around to look at me, his hand opening, letting the small, silver blade fall to the floor as he looks to me with blank eyes and he shows absolutely no emotion, not even pain until I step a bit closer. I look down to his extended arm and see the multiple fresh wounds, open and badly bleeding, some of the blood going as far as dripping slowly down the side of his wrist.

    "Dan, please tell me what's going on."  
\----  
(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    I hear my phone go off, seeing the screen light up as I stand with my back to the door. I reply, telling him to come over in 10 minutes, but I know he'll be over way before then.

    Time passes, but the rage inside continues. I try so hard to contain it, but I end up failing, gripping the blade in between my finger tips as I push it to my arm.

    I feel numb, all of the anger and sadness and even the slightest bit of happiness I had are gone. I bring the blade into the skin on my arm, not caring anymore. Not caring at all as I cut a little deeper into my skin, digging out more blood and with that, the endorphins that follow. The chemical rush that comes through the pain, telling me to keep going. So I do, until I hear the door open behind me, expecting it to be my mum, so I just continue digging until I hear his gasp. Kyle.

    "Dan!" He whispers urgently as I let the blade fall from my hand, to the ground. "Dan, please, tell me what's going on?"

    The panic in his voice is painful to me because I know too well that whatever I say will make me sound insane, but the look in his eyes when I finally turn around and face him tells a different story. As soon as I see this, an instant wave of guilt and painful anger at myself washes over me, then I'm sobbing, unable to hold back the shatter of what little composure I had.

    "Danny, what's wrong?" He tries again, this time as he moves to support my leaning figure. He holds me firmly as I sob against him, and he doesn't seem to be mad that I'm quite possibly ruining his favourite shirt. His hands move gently along my back, patting and stroking to the rhythm of my heartbeat. "It's ok, I'm here now."

    "Kyle, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, I swear, but I just couldn't find the words to say or I couldn't get them out of my mouth, and lately I haven't been able to feel anything. I thought this would help. The pain feels better than the numbness or the guilt or sadness or anger and sometimes it feels better than everything at once. I didn't want you to find out this way though," I ramble on, spilling my guts to him as he just patiently holds me, waiting for me to finish, but nodding his head and stroking my back as I speak. "I tried to tell you, I was just so scared you would push me away like everyone else did and I wouldn't be able to stand that. I can't live without you. I need you. Please don't leave, this is all my fault and I'm so sorry."

    The words come out rushed, but I don't stop. I continue telling him how much I need him here and how much he means to me as he just holds me, his arms beginning to squeeze tighter around my smaller body. He rests his chin on my shoulder, breathing against me. his warm breath bringing waves of comfort to my racing mind.

    He holds my head as I sob into him, his hands on my neck and back as he moves me to the sink.

    "It's ok Danny, I'm not mad, I promise. You've got to breathe though, ok?" His voice is calm as his arms leave me.

    "I'm sorry. I should've told you."

    "It's ok, I promise. Just sit down for me and I'll get you all cleaned up, then we'll talk," he says softly as he pushes the toilet seat down until it's closed. All I can force myself to respond with is a slight nod before sitting down quietly without looking up from the floor. He moves to the sink, where he grabs a cloth and runs it under water. I hold my arm to my chest, tightly hugging it to my body, hesitant of him seeing the marks, new and old, that exist etched into my skin.

   "Dan, please let me help you." I'm looking down, not being able meet his eyes and quite frankly, not wanting to. Not just because of the shame and guilt, but because I'm scared. Scared of what he'll say, scared that he's lying about being not being mad, scared that he'll leave me because of this. Scared because he's all I have left. He's the only one anchoring me here, the one person who's keeping me from ending it all. I love him too much to tell him and I know that it's wrong, but I can't help myself.

    He places his hand under my chin and gently lifts my face, forcing me to look at him. His eyes boar holes into my heart, their deep brown colour filled to the brim with fear and sadness and something else, something hidden that I can't quite grasp. I reluctantly hold out my arm to him, allowing him to inspect the wounds, the open and closed ones that cascade down my forearm. His fingers trace the raised pink scars that litter my pale arm and I shutter at the touch, remembering all the reasons I made them.

    "There we go. You're doing so good," He whispers as he moves the cloth to the bloody lines, seven new ones to be exact. I don't want to know what he's thinking about as he looks at the new cuts and all of the scars, but I know that there are now too many for me to count.

    "Please don't leave, please don't. I need you," I let out as a strangled whisper before leaning my forehead against his shoulder. He kneels steadily in front of me as I lean against him, breathing in shallow burst as the pain hits me and burns up my arm. I whimper, feeling him pouring what smells like alcohol from under my sink onto my arm to further clean the wounds.

    "Dan, I'm not leaving, I promise. How could I leave you like this when I know that you need me the most. You've never left me when I needed you, so now, I won't leave you either." I wrap my free arm around his neck and take a long, deep, shaken breath as I hold him to me, feeling his warmth against my unstable frame. He releases my arm and pulls me closer to him with both of his arms, resting his palms on my back as he holds me.

    "I could never leave you, no matter what your head wants you to think, I'm not going anywhere. You're the only person that I can talk to, so now it's your turn to spill. Every last word, every last detail, let it out and take as much time as you need to. I want to hear everything you've got trapped inside that head of yours, no matter how long it takes." His words cut through the loud, painful screams of my mind, crushing them to bits and blowing them away. He wraps my arm in a bandage before leading me into my bedroom. He turns to me with a calm look, his eyes telling me to talk as I sit down on the bed beside him.

    "This," I sigh, holding my arm out, "all started after my dad died. You are the only other person that knows and you are the only one willing to listen. I though it was a short term thing, but the need kept growing and growing with every night that Harry beat me, spitting hard words to me to accompany the physical pain, I though I could draw them away with controlled pain of my own."

    I can see the worried look on his face, half expecting him to cringe away as I speak, but he doesn't. Instead, he pulls me to sit closer to him on the bed, lacing his arm around me and holding me steady as I continue.

    "It was a stupid idea, because then, I started feeling absolutely nothing. Numb to the core and extremely distant, like nothing I did was done by me. Kyle, you were the only person that brought me happiness, but then my thoughts started attacking me for it, eating up that happiness and washing it away." He holds me tighter, squeezing my shoulder with his hand as I set my head on his shoulder, breathing in him. I feel his every movement, loving that he is so close, knowing that he is the only one who won't call me crazy.

    "So it became more or a coping mechanisms, getting me to feel something. After that, it became a thing that I did whenever I thought I deserved it. For screwing up an assignment in class, making a bad grade on a test or whenever I felt too distant." I choke on the words as more tears fall from my eyes. I catch them with my hand, feeling way beyond weak knowing that someone is seeing this, let alone my best friend of all people who's known me for years.

    "Dan, that's-" he pauses, a dumbstruck look crossing his face before he begins speaking again," I'm so sorry that I never noticed. I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Dan, I can't even begin to imagine what this feels like, but I want to help you and I won't give up on you, never." He pulls me into a hug again, his hands trembling along with mine, and I know that I he's not lying.

    Without thinking, I sit up and move him to face me, his face becoming slightly confused, but I ignore it. I lean down and connect my lips with his forehead, but immediately shrink back, realising what I just did.

    He looks up to me, his eyes wide with shock as the reality of what I just did hits me.

    "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that." I stand up quickly and walk across my room, holding my face in my hands as I sigh, knowing that my stupidity could have just ruined us. He stands up and quickly moves to me, trying to get me to look at him, but I shrug him off.  
\----  
(Kyle's POV)  
\----

    His hands meet either side of my jaw as he leans in and presses a kiss to my forehead. He immediately steps back, an intense red blush pours over his face as he moves away from me, sighing heavily with his face in his hands.

    Holy. Shit Did that really just happen? It couldn't have! I'm crazy! But as I look up to Dan, I can see the embarrassment on his face as he moves further away from me.

    "Dan."

    "Kyle, no. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He keeps repeating the simple phrase, each time his voice growing quieter and quieter, but each time the words leave his mouth, I feel a piece of my heart shatter.

    "Dan, I need to tell you something." I continue trying to get him to look up at me, but he shakes his head.

    "Kyle, I think you need to leave. Harry will be home any minute and he comes up and checks my room for you now," he says, keeping his back turned to me.

    "But Dan-"

    "Kyle, please, just go. I'll call you later so you can yell at me then, just not now, please." His words cut directly into my hear and shatter my being. _'How can he not see how much I love him?'_

    "But Dan, wait just a moment-" I try to get more words out, but all in met with is his icy voice again.

    "Goodbye Kyle, for now at least."

    Without putting up more of a fight, I leave, not wanting to dig myself into a hole that's deeper than the one I'm already in. _'_

_'If only he would let me tell him. He needs to know!' It's ok. I'll give him time.'_


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter: A bit of internalised homophobia,. Just a bit, but other than that, none :)

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    His texts become less frequent, but they don't stop. It started with him trying to come over, but now it's just simple things like "hey" or "Hi", never anything more, but today is different.

    "Dan, I need to talk to you. It's important. I know you don't want to see me, but I need to tell you this. It's eating me up inside and I need to get it out."

    I read this, sighing and rolling my eyes before responding.

     "Tell me over text, you couldn't possibly want to look at me after how bad I screwed our friendship up." I hit send and wait, rather impatiently as the answer comes 8 minutes later.

    "Dan, I need to tell you in person, it's too important. I'll be over in 20 minutes whether you like it or not."  
\----  
(Kyle's POV)  
\----  
    I pull on my jacket and shoes before I head out of my door. I don't bother telling anyone where I'm going as I shut the door behind me and anxiously begin walking down my driveway, on the all too familiar path to Dan's house. I move my hands, balling them up then releasing them, hoping to let out some of the anxious energy that sits uneasily in the back of my throat. When I finally reach his driveway, I see the open and very empty garage, knowing that both his mum and Harry are out somewhere.

    I begin climbing up to his window, gripping the edge of what was once a nice, yet small area outside, only big enough for one person, two at most. Once I'm up, I begin to nervously tap on the glass of his window, waiting for a signal that I can come in.  
\----  
(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    He comes in and I stand up, preparing myself to be puched or slaped or something, but he doesn't. He just looks to me with cold eyes that strike me even harder than a hit ever could.

    "Kyle." My voice comes out in a shaken whisper, but it still holds a slight bit of power.

    "Dan, you've been so distant lately, and honestly, it's scaring me. We haven't properly spoken in over a week and you refuse to answer my calls. I understand that it's hard and that you're fighting so hard to keep strong, but I'm just so worried about you." He's not shouting, not yelling, but speaking in a quiet tone. I pull my arms around myself, feeling so guilty that I've done this, but I can't change the past.

    His cold eyes look to me and I can see the fear and almost anger that lurk behind them. He has every right to be angry with me, I deserve it. My hands shake at my side as he stares at the wall, waiting for me to respond.

    "Kyle, I'm sorry," is all I can manage out in a weak voice. He turns around and stares at me as I close my mouth, expecting more, but I can't bare to say the wrong thing now.

    "Dan, I know that this is hard, but I've been here for you! You can tell me anything! I've needed you this past week. I needed to know that you were alright, Dan. You need to know that I care so much about you and it would absolutely tear me apart of I lost you now." His voice has raised significantly, almost to a point of yelling as I clench my hands around my shirt. "Please, tell me why you've kept away. I need to know Dan." He moves closer, his eyes still stone, but they seem to be letting up slightly. He sets his hand on my shoulder and I immediately tense up, wanting to feel him wrap me in his arms, but I know he'll hate me after I tell him what I need to.

    "Kyle, the reason I've kept away from you is because I don't know how else to handle myself. Every fucking time we touch, I feel electricity course through me! Whenever I see you, my heart pounds out of my chest and I lose control of my words and actions! I know that you hate me, but I'm sorry. I just can't find a way to keep it to myself any longer. When I look into your eyes, I melt. Kyle, I'm an idiot, so you shouldn't accept my apology, and you probably think I'm disgusting like the rest of my family will, and I'll understand if you stop coming around to see me, but you need to hear this." I feel a tear fall from my eye as I take a shaken breath in,  finally letting all of this off my chest before I continue, "Kyle, I like you. Like a lot!" I lean in and press a timid kiss to his lips and only after a few seconds, shrink away from him. His mouth falls open in surprise and he looks to me with wide eyes.

    "Kyle, I'm sorry, I didn't meant to, I just thought-" and before I can continue to ramble on, he presses his lips to me, wrapping his arms around my waist as he pulls me closer in the coolness of my dark bedroom.

    After a while of awkward biting and unchoreographed lip movement, we break apart, each sighing heavily. "Dan, was that your first kiss?" He asks in a shaky manor as his cheeks growing bright red. I feel mine do the same before I look down to my feet.

    "No, I've kisses plenty of people, hints to why I was obviously great at it." I say, the sarcasm clear as day. He laughed them leans back into my arms. "Was it yours?" I ask.

    "Yea. It was." He says against my chest.

    "Huh." I say as my hand finds the center of his back to rest there.

    "Huh? What does that mean, 'Huh'?" He asks in a jokingly defensive tone.

    "Nothing, I just thought because you've had a girlfriend in the past that you had kissed her." He gives me a chuckle and presses his forehead into my chest.

    "I think I'm bi, or pan for that matter. How about you?"

    I laugh, lacing my fingers into his soft, tangle free brown hair before replying, "I'm gay. It feels so nice to finally be able to tell someone."

    "Yea, it does. By the way Danny," he scoots back and moves where he's sitting on my lap, his legs on top of mine, "I like you a lot, too."

    He places one of his arms around my neck and the other around my waist as he leans in again, connecting our lips once more. This time, though, I follow his lead, moving my lips to match his as we grip each other tighter before eventually breaking away.

    "Fuck, get off me, Mum and Harry are home!" I practically shout as I hear the door close.

    "How about we go back to my house and I'll teach you how to properly kiss. You have a long way to go, but you're a fast learner." He says with a flirty wink.

    "And you know how to do that all of a sudden?" I ask with a smirk, seeing him become all flustered as he stutters to find an answer.

    "No, but we can figure it out. Now hurry up before they come up here and see us." With that, we head out the window and run down the driveway, easily escaping my house as we run to his, our hands locked together and smiles spread across our faces. For the first time in a long time, I feel joy, actual, genuine bliss as I look over to him, the awkward boy who stole my heart a few months back and I laugh, loving the way he looks at me. This summer is going to be just fine.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for this chapter: brief mention of self harm, but it's minimal :)

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    We let go of each other's hands as we walk in the door. He leads me up the stairs, quietly as not to disturb his mum, who is moving around in the kitchen. Almost as soon as he shuts the door to his bedroom, his hands meet my waist and I lean into his grip, placing one of my hands on his jaw and the other on his shoulder as his move along my sides.

    "You look so beautiful." He begins blushing, his face flooding with the all too familiar bright pink colour as he looks down to the ground. I place my hand under his chin and gently lift his head so his eyes meet mine. He smiles to me and presses his forehead to mine his hands finding the small of my back and the edge of my jaw.

    "Danny, if only you could see yourself through my eyes," He closes the gap between us, his soft, warm lips pressing timidly to mine, waiting for a reaction. I lean into his shy kiss, hoping to give it more force, but we're stopped almost instantly by a knock on his bedroom door. We break apart suddenly, my heart hammering in my chest as I sigh. He mouths a small "sorry" to me as he opens the door.

    "Mum, what is it?" He asks as he backs away from the now open door and sighing.

    "I wanted to ask if you were interested in seeing a movie later, but now Dan's over, so nevermind." She smiles over to me and I meet it with one of my own, awkwardly letting it tug at my face as his mum looks back to him. "Ok, cool. I'll be downstairs."

    She leaves the room, shutting the door behind her. Kyle walks closer to me again, his hands finding me again with no struggle.

    "She was starting to get worried, she hadn't seen you in a while and she started suspecting things." He looks to me, rolling his eyes at his own words.

    "Does she know that you're bi?" I ask, looking to him with a small smirk.

    "No, but she knows that I'm definitely not straight." He looks to me with a confused expression in his eyes, "what?" I burst out laughing, laughing almost to the point where I fall on the floor crying and hyperventilating. He remains looking at me, his face showing that he is far beyond the point of confusion.

    "Dan, what the hell is so funny?" He sounds on the verge of laughing as well, his face twisting into a smile as he pulls me closer and when I finally do stop laughing, he makes me lay down on his bed, wrapping me in his arms as he sets his head on my chest. "You're such a dork Danny, but I love you for it." He laces his fingers in my hair and I set my face against his neck. His grip on me tightens, his fingers gently brushing through my matted hair as he holds me.

    "Can I stay over here tonight?" I ask against him. I feel him nod before he puts it into words

    "Of course Dan," He kisses my forehead before speaking again, "Have you changed the bandages on your wrist since I saw you last?"

    I almost choke on the breath I'm taking in as he moves to hover over me. "Danny, have you?"

    "No."

    "Have you taken them off or cleaned the wounds? Please tell me you have, darling." His words are patient, but his voice is worried and stern.

    "Well, I cleaned them on Wednesday I think," I numbly reply, seeing what looks like disappointment cross his face. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to look at them. They're probably scabbed over and darker by now."

    "Come on Dan, let's go take a look at them real quick. I want to make sure they're not infected. I'll be gentle, I promise." He grips my hand and pull me to stand.

    "Please don't. I don't want you to see them again," I plea, feeling nauseous just thinking about him seeing the terribly angry and fresh scabs that litter my arm.

    "Dan, it's alright, I won't judge you. I just want to make sure they're healing properly, love." He places his hand on my shoulder before moving it up to caress my chin. "Please? I want to help."

    "You're not going to give up, are you?" I ask, very well knowing the answer. He shakes his head, his eyes not letting up. "Fine."

    He takes my hand and leads me into his bathroom. He closes the door and motions for me to stand near the sink. I look down as he takes my arm in his hands as he slowly begins to peel the bandage away from my skin. I grimace, feeling the bloody cotton bit peel away from the raw, now open cuts.

    "They don't look infected, but they need to be cleaned," He whispers to me in a calm, steady voice. I continue looking down, not meeting his eyes, "Dan, please look at me, I only want to help you, but you have to let me in."

    "Kyle, you shouldn't have to deal with my shit. I can do this myself." I try to pull away, but he holds me still, his hand gripping my arm tightly as I pull against him.

    "Dan, I know you can do it on your own, but I also know that you won't. I'm really worried about you." He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around my torso and sets his head on my shoulder as I mold to his figure, sinking into the embrace.

    "Kyle, you don't need to worry, I can take care of myself. I've stayed alive this long, so I'm doing something right," I explain, seeing the look of persistence on his face soften.

    "I know that, but you didn't necessarily want to be. You're not taking care of yourself and nobody is there to know, except me Dan. I'm here for you, no matter what, I won't judge you, just please come to me when you get bad, love. I need to know so I can help you through it. We may not make it all the way out, but I think it'll help more if you have someone who will listen and be there for you, like now." His hand cups my face as he looks into my eyes. His words soothe me, but they don't stop the racing of my pulse as his fingers gently work to clean the scabbed over wounds.

    "You're right, I'm sorry." I set my head on his neck and let him finish before I feel him take my hand and pull me along behind him. I shut the bathroom door behind us and he stops near the wall closest to his bed.

    "Please don't apologize, you did nothing wrong, love." He places his hands on my hips, pulling me closer. Then, with his right hand, he takes my arm and brings it closer to his face before timidly placing his lips to the torn skin, "it's alright Danny, I'll help you. I know it's more than just the thoughts and actions, but I want to help, no matter what. Is that alright?"

    I nod, shyly smiling to him as he drops my arm and connects his lips with mine. I sink into the kiss, letting him take control and guide me through it. He runs his tongue along my lip, asking me to open my mouth a bit more, so I do, just enough for his tongue to meet mine in an unchoreographed dance. I feel electricity course through my veins as his fingers run up my sides and trace patterns into my hip. I move my hands along his back, not completely knowing what they are doing, but enough to trust my instincts.

    When we finally let go, I gasp, needing to catch my breath, and I can hear him do the same. We move to lay down on the bed, tangling our arms and legs together, still breathing heavily.

    "I think we're getting better at that, yea," he says, his voice sounding slightly out of breath still.

    "I'd say so," I reply with a laugh, sinking further into his grip as I look down to his face, his head resting on my chest. He moves up to meet my face again, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips.

    "So, do you want to go anywhere tonight?" He asks before burying his face into my neck. I place my hands in his hair and smile when he sighs contently.

    "No, I want to stay right here." I continue messing with his hair until he pulls away and stands up.

    "Come on, let's go get some dinner, I don't think you've eaten all day," and with that, we walk out of his bedroom, down the stairs and into the kitchen. The smile on his face makes me feel the safest I've felt in a really long time and I love it. He hands me some fruit and I thank him before we head back up the stairs and sit on his bed. He lays his head on my shoulder and I lean into his grip with an even wider grin.

_'Everything will be fine.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I want to say that this is my personal "vent fic." I'm not sure those are the right words because most of it is made up and fictional, but it helps relieve stress. 
> 
> If you ever need to talk about ANYTHING, please feel free to DM me here:  
> https://www.instagram.com/_.the_rhythm_of_my_life._/


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: homophobic language, implied self harm, and PHYSICAL ABUSE. There will be dashes where the trigger warning comes into effect :)

(Dan's POV)  
\----  
    Kyle's hands travel up my sides as I hold myself steady by gripping his shoulders. We started out kissing, just our lips tangling together. Then, he pulled me onto his lap and I curled my legs around his waist. His hands slowly worked their way up my sides and began to move up and down, never leaving the region between my hips and ribs. I had tangled my right hand into his hair as he moves to softly bit on my bottom lip. I assumed he wanted me to open my mouth wider, but he continued to move his lips along my jaw, then down my to my neck, where he's focusing now.

    My grip in his hair tightens as his warm breath works it's way to sending chills up my back. I continue holding tightly to his shoulder and softly moan at the feel of his soft, warm lips against my neck. He slowly stops and I look down into his eyes.

   "Is this alright?" He stops and look at me, his eyes patiently waiting of on answer as he gently strokes my hair. "I mean, I'll stop. I'm sorry, I just got caught up and-" I stop him before his rambling goes on any longer by pressing my lips to his.

    "It's perfect. I would've stopped you if I didn't like it, yea? I promise I'll tell you Kyle," I say to him with a dazed feeling as his fingers etch patterns into my scalp. He nods, then moves back to kissing my neck.

    Warmth. Safety. Him. All of my thoughts melt away as I surrender all of my control to him. I can feel myself relaxing under his touch, and I absolutely don't care. He chuckles against my skin, letting me know that he can see how useless he's making my brain, and he doesn't stop. If anything he works harder to make me moan, to learn where I'm the weakest.

    I've never before felt so overwhelmed with warmth and love than this very moment. I feel safe for the first time in a long time, and my head feels like it's about to explode from the sheer ecstasy of him, his hand in my hair, on my side and his body pressing against me, I finally feel loved. I feel myself letting go, but a sudden knock on the bedroom door harshly pulling me back to reality.

    "Kyle, is Dan in there with you?" I hurry and shuffle off of his lap and sigh when his hands leave me.

    "Yea mum, he's in here," he replies quietly as he looks over to me. I pant, hurrying to catch my breath before she opens the door. The door opens and she scans the room quickly. "What is it?"

    "Harry's downstairs. He said that Dan needs to run home. Something about helping Isla with dinner," she says with a smile. I feel Kyle's hand on my back, but I still feel myself growing distant at the mention of having to leave. My blood runs cold and I feel all of it drain from my body, pooling in my hands and feet as I swallow dryly.

    "Oh yea, I completely forgot about that. Sorry Kyle, I guess I have to go." His eyes fill with concern as I numbly stand up and move away from his secure figure, my only form of comfort being ripped away from me with every step I take in the opposite direction.

    "Ok," he replies as his mum walks out of the room ahead of me. "Dan, love, will you be alright? Babe, look at me, please." I look up from the floor and regret it almost immediately. His eyes burn holes into me and I fight to keep myself composed. "Daniel," he tries softly.

    "I'll see you later Kyle, just please, don't." I have to force myself away from him so I don't look back and stay, because if I do, I'll be in even more trouble than I already might me. "I'll call if I need you, I promise."

    "Dan, you're not safe. You can't go!" His hand grips my wrist tightly as he tries to pull me back into his room.

    "Kyle, just let it be. I'll be fine." Then without saying another word, I head out of the room. I hear him call from behind me, but I don't turn back because I know that if I look back again I won't be able to leave.

\------  
  
    As soon as we walk into the house, Harry is on me, his hands on the collar of my shirt and his eyes casting an infuriated stare down to me.

    "Why the fuck were you out? I thought I told you that you couldn't go to that kids house anymore?" He spits harshly with a slap to my face, not hard enough to break the skin, but almost. I expect another one, my eyes closed and my body tense, but he does nothing. I open my eyes and see that he's looking down at my neck and collar bones. "What is this?"

    I shrink back, knowing that there's no way around this. He asks again, his voice even more demanding and furious than the first time.

    "It's nothing," I try, seeing his face twist into an even more furious expression than before.  "I swear, it's nothing,"

    "Someone should've taught you to lie better." He drags me up the stairs and pushes me into the bedroom before slamming the door. "I bet you got these from Kyle, you little faggot."

    He hits my mouth this time, hard and fast. I feel some blood drip onto my face, but can't take a moment to react before he's slapping me again. He hits my right eye and eventually moves to scratch at my neck. I gasp, trying to breathe before falling the floor, but he doesn't stop. He kicks me in the ribs, focusing on one spot for far too long before moving up, all while yelling verbal abuses at me, calling me a no good fag and telling me that I deserve every last bit of what he's doing.

    At some point, I just let myself drift. I go completely numb as he continues to kick and punch and hurt me, but I can't feel anything. I breathe in choked sobs, racing to catch it before he hits me again, but I eventually just end up holding my breath. Even after he leaves, I still hold it in, only taking in shallow breaths when I'm on the edge of passing out, scared to move even in the slightest bit to remove my hair from my eyes. I curl in on myself and sob, needing to take my mind away the building pain in my sides, neck and back as I breathe.   
  
I lay there, my thoughts are clouded and racing as I look to the dresser by my bed. I sigh, knowing that they won't stop unless I do it. I text Kyle and tell him to come over in 20 minutes, but know that he'll be there in under 10 because he's worried. I gives me just enough time to finish before he walks in so he won't catch me again. I know he'll see them, I'm not trying to hide it anymore, but I don't want him to see me actually doing it. He responds, saying he'll come as quick as he can and I smile softly. He's so much more than I deserve.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one might be a little shorter, I'm not 100% sure because I'm posting this from a laptop and not my phone lol. I hope you enjoy this part! Even though this part gets dark, the next few are EXTREMELY fluffy and cute. The next one gets there, but it starts off heavy.


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